My Writing Journey Pt2.
Here we are again... Blog number two and I am still thinking to myself, "...How can I detail my journey?". The writing came naturally. The experience of writing however, always felt so foreign. This wasn't a 'bad thing', or even a good thing for that matter; it's just how it was. Regardless of this, I was so passionate about exposing my story to the world, wanting nothing more than to help others to see brighter days. There were so many times when I would think, "...What am I even doing? If I do write enough content to fill a book, then what? How do I make it happen? ...How do I get to a point where my own published book is in my hands?" Daily, I would do everything in my power to push these thoughts aside and continue to pour my heart and soul out onto the virtual sheets of paper.
"Hold my head high, now I got them red eyes. State to state forget about a decent sleep or bed time. I'm on my girls nerves, always on the fucking move. She thinks I've changed, I tell her girl, you gotta trust me too." - Kerser: Find that Sound
As I continued to write, I felt myself evolving as a person. Seeing the words before my eyes, telling the story of my journey over the past 15+ years was so surreal, emotional and humbling. Although in its earlier stages, my 'style of writing' was extremely poor, broken and hard to understand, I just knew with every bone in my body, there was a message hidden behind my jumbled words, desperately looking for ways to escape and be exposed to the world. I am not going to sit here and say I am the next William Shakespeare, however over the past 2 years of writing, deleting and re-writing, I feel I have taught myself to write. My style has changed (for the better) so much in that 2 years, making my words easier to understand. Having this information released from my mind so quickly, I never felt I was able to just stop, read and understand what I had written. I often thought that doing this would mean I would have to sacrifice parts of my story. Constantly bashing my keyboard in an effort to ensure that no words were missed, when I reached around 15,000 - 20,000 words, I forced myself to stop, read and share what I had written with a limited number of people. Getting to this point, and knowing I had more to say, I knew it was time to 'test the waters' and get the opinions of others. Fuck, I was nervous, I was embarrassed, and I was scared. Not knowing how to spell, having failed English in school, and having a complete disinterest in punctuation and grammar; I was NOT expecting the feedback I got. Although there was so much fixing that needed to be done to have my words ready for the world to read, the people that quickly scanned their eyes over my story could look past the fuzzy mismatched words and see the vision I had to help others.
For the majority of writing journey, I wrote with out direction; never knowing where and when it would end. Regardless of this, day in, day out, I pushed myself to:
1. Prove to myself that I could and would make this happen.
2. Show others that someone 'unknown' can make something of themselves, regardless of any personal challenges they have been faced with.
Along with the challenge of writing a book, choosing to keep this journey hidden from pretty much everyone I know was extremely difficult. Writing an inspirational, emotional, grounding and relatable book based on personal past experiences, I've always known that for some people, taking this story in would be challenging. I chose to keep my story quiet for a few reasons, I guess the biggest one has always been disappointment. I have had massive challenges with self-doubt and constantly relapsing on past experiences of failure. Writing day after day, and not knowing where this would take me, or if I would just wake one day decide 'that's it' and move on, I didn't want to expose a half written story to the world and run my mouth about something that could potentially be nothing. Never knowing my journeys path, if I had told people what I was doing, then decided to 'throw the towel in', I would have been so disappointed in myself and the fact that it was 'just another one of Jason's crazy ideas'. Up until this point (June 2018), even writing the words to fill this blog, the numbers of the people that know about my book are very limited. Regardless of the demons I carry around, I've always felt that I am a open book. I've always lived by the following; if you have noting to hide, what's the point in filtering your life? Choosing to keep this project on lock down, has at times been more challenging than the challenge of writing a book...