Why did I disappear?
"I know i’ve got these chips on my shoulders but they don’t feed me & now that i’m older, the weight on my back is like caring boulders. I played the cards I was dealt I never folded. I’ve been so confused and so cold feels like there is no way to control, anxiety takes a hold and a toll, I don’t want to be alone when I’m old. I can’t live a normal life with these fits plus who’s going to put up with my shit, I don’t want to pass this onto my kids & I still won’t believe this is all that there is, na." Double L- Clouds
After the release of my book “The Power Of The F**k You Work Ethic,” I had a very successful book launch where I sold over 30 books & had a turn out of around 50 people. Although this day was a blur of excitement and a bunch of mixed emotions, it was easily one of the most successful days of my life. Following the launch of my book, I continued to sell books throughout Australia and around the world. I started getting noticed from people in the USA and was fortunate enough to be asked to speak on multiple podcasts.
Something I hadn’t factored into my personal expectation of becoming a published author, was an extremely busy few months within my full-time career, that would have me needing to put my book on hold.
During this busy time, I was heavily involved and responsible for opening up a new retail outlet in a different state. I don’t need to bore you with the content of what’s involved in making this possible however it’s a dawn to dusk operation that I really enjoyed being a part of. I was flying in and out, state to state, coming back home for a few days/ the odd week, working back on the Gold Coast then returning back to Sydney to continue establishing the new shop. The total process of this would have taken around 8 weeks.
Having a new baby boy in our lives, who is now 10 months old, also came with changes and challenges during this time. I was, and still am doing my best to keep everything balanced, the household happy and running smoothly. Chucking everything else into this mix that life throws at you soon proved to me that putting my book on hold for a few months to keep everything else afloat was the best decision for me and the people I care about most.
Honestly, at first, I tried to do it all. I thought I’d be able to push my personal brand, push myself in my career, help raise our son, keep a happy family life while staying social and interacting with friends too. Fuck, was I wrong, so very wrong! This is when and were it all started to tip. Within a few weeks I mentally blew myself up and in an instant, I went on the biggest downward spiral I’d been on in over three years. Constantly frustrated, pissed off with the world, not myself and in a state of discomfort both physically and emotionally.
I couldn’t shake it. I didn’t want to face what I was going through, nor did I want to own up to the state I was in - or do anything about it. With a click of my fingers, the remix was real. 2016 flashbacks soon became my 2019 reality. As if anxiety & panic attacks were not taxing enough on my mental state, depression kicked down the door and said ‘LETS FUCKING PARTY’.
Sweaty palms, white as a ghost, looking in the mirror with a box of Valium Diazepam in my hand thinking to myself, “...is this it? I’ve lasted so many years of my life not medicated by prescription drugs, should I wave the white flag and give in?’
Thankfully, for whatever reason, I stood tall opened the box and washed every damn pill down the sink.
At this point, I was constantly pushing away my problems -and anyone that wanted to help. Every day was a massive struggle to paint on a smile and create a sense of positivity and happiness, when to be honest - within myself, my personal world had been nothing but demons and darkness that felt impossible to escape.
Over the years I’ve created my own personal steps and methods to deal with my mental health struggles, however everything I did just blew up in my face. There was nothing I could do to shake the way I felt. This time around, the mental impact of everything I had going on, was something else. It was heavy. Daily, I felt as if it was a struggle to inhale the fresh air. Most days I just felt lifeless and robotic. Regardless of what or who surrounded me, every day I felt as if there was a massive, thick, dark cloud hanging over my head.
The life I had pushed for, for so many years, soon became completely unmanageable and had me becoming so time poor. Having recently introduced a baby into this world, after a few months even this became too much for me to deal with.
Everything I looked at pissed me off. Being blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy soon became another struggle within the world I had created.
I started analyzing my life, breaking down current situations, digging deep within to figure out where things started falling apart and why. Was it my career? Was I investing too much time into that and not enough into me and my personal life? Was it time to throw it in and give in to the life of a robotic 9-5 minion? Should I stop trying to facilitate others requests, kill off the ‘Yes Man’ aspect of Jason Bosworth and simply settle? Can I balance my home life better? Was it time to seek the help of a textbook professional? So many thoughts were popping into my head, however, that’s all they were, nothing further than a few daydreams. Regardless of what I came up with, I simply didn’t have the motivation to pursue a resolution for the problems I had created.
The past 10 months have been a whirlwind of struggles, mixed emotions, and days I really don’t want to face again. In a way, I relapsed into a place I never imagined revisiting, and felt as if the time I invested into releasing my story to the world could have been a complete waste of time, - although I am always told everything happens for a reason.
Maybe the break from pushing my personal brand was a way of forcing me to reconnect with the people and things I passed up whilst writing and pushing to become a published author. Maybe it’s a lesson on balance, commitments, understanding and adjustment to a life I’ve literally begged for, cried over, lost sleep for and worked my ass off to have.
I am still a little unsure of where life will take me next, and today, while writing this update ...well I guess I am still figuring myself and my new life out. However, regardless of how hard I get hit, I refuse to give up and throw it all in. I will continue to push myself, chase my dreams, reach out to others and share my story with the world.
If you have a dream, a vision or a goal; please, please, please remind yourself that you only get one shot at life. You can’t sit on the sidelines expecting to have another crack next time.