WIDE EYED | A RESTLESS MIND
I think too much.
I think ahead
I think behind
I think sideways
I don’t... stop... thinking.
I find this very interesting, strange and hilarious. Writing this blog has been quite a challenge. Even when writing my book, "The Power Of The F**K You Work Ethic", I've never struggled to get content out. Writing about my mind’s ability to overthink everything is a challenge I wasn't expecting. The words should be flowing, as MY MIND NEVER STOPS. Anyway, the truth is; regardless of what is going on in my life, I rarely get a full nights sleep due to the way my mind has been configured.
Constantly, it's ticking, thinking, thinking, THINKING, rethinking then looping back around and doing it all again. Regardless of what I am dealing with in life, my mind has an intense need to dissect every situation in an effort to FULLY understand whatever it is that I am obsessing over. Once understood, the need to obtain further information is endless. It's almost as if I reach a point where I am happy with the answers and satisfied with the outcome, and instantly my mind retains that information, resets itself and starts the process again.
"Not sure if I am ready for the lights, & not sure if I am ready for the life, because on stage I am spinning in a high but these thoughts keep attacking my mind. See I told them I would when they said that I could. I told them I am good when they said that I should. I am cooking this dream and the proof is in the pudding, they looking at me like I wish that they wouldn't, like what if they hate it? What if I don't make it? What If I let you down when you put the faith in? I don't know if I can live with that." Double L - Clouds
To this day, I lay at night wide-eyed, wondering if the last two years have been worth it. Regardless of the praise, reassurance, thank-you's & gratitude I get from people that continue to support my writing journey, I still find myself questioning my ability to write. Sparked from decades of fearing failure; the thought of my intention to write relatable content becoming one of my biggest failures to date constantly plays on my mind. These thoughts have me up all hours of the night, I lay there playing out every possible situation in my mind. "What if people don't understand the content I've written? What if all the cold and lonely nights over the past two years have been nothing more than wasted time fillers?"
Despite the fact that writing may have assisted me personally to relax or ease my mind, I constantly think to myself, "If my writing doesn't have the ability to help others, what was the point? Was it really worth it?"
Although my nights are constantly interrupted by my mind racing, and wanting to figure everything out; the thinking, over thinking, rethinking and dissecting is a constant daily battle for me. It’s almost as if I have a hypersensitive mind, instantly blowing everything I think out of proportion. Some days I stand tall, although dazed and confused. I’m excited for the unknown, however extremely exhausted from keeping up with my mind and it’s inability to slow down, tune off and relax.
If you feel the same, as if you are in a constant uphill battle to put your mind at ease;
Once a day for at least 15 minutes, detach yourself from everything that consumes you. Close your eyes, take a few slow deep breaths in and out, slow down and do your best to relax.
Until next time...